Breathing
It’s funny how life continues to throw you curve balls, even when you think it’s already dealt its most deadly blow. But it does. I haven’t written much on the blog over the last few weeks and that’s mainly because I’ve been feeling…. well…. OK. And that in itself feels really fucking weird. I still miss Oli with every ounce of my being but 7 times out of 10 it doesn’t bring me to tears or crush me so I am a crumpled heap on the floor, instead it just makes me ache a
Mar 243 min read
Hold on to your hats..
Hold onto your hats, people.... this may just be a blog post that is NOT about grief! I know! Progress, eh? This post is about the wonder that is rowing, team work and stepping outside your comfort zone! On Saturday, 14th March, five months to the day that Oli died, I, along with my fantastic crew, took part in the Three Rivers Race. This is no ordinary race... this is 6 miles of excruciating pain.. a race of endurance.. a race that takes in not one, but three river
Mar 245 min read
Coping
It's a sunny Wednesday and the electrician has just showed me the massive hole that has been cracked open in the top of my fridge - caused because he opened a window in the kitchen causing the door to slam and a massive pewter head of a pig to come crushing down off the wall above and into said fridge. Not necessarily his fault, I suppose, but it is the straw that broke the camels back. I told him it was fine and promptly closed myself in the sitting room and sobbed... co
Mar 123 min read
Thin Veneer
Life, as it does, has carried on regardless of my feelings. The world continues to turn; the sun sinking down and the moon rising. And here I sit. In my silence, quietly mourning the loss of my love and my life. Everyday things still have to happen. I get up, shower, get dressed, feed the dog, make a cup of tea, clean, shop, take the dog for a walk... life just continues and I cope. I smile when I'm supposed to; make small talk; do enough to get by when all the whi
Mar 62 min read
Stuck
It's Wednesday. I had a shocking nights sleep last night. Went to bed at 10 and lay there with thoughts whirling through my head until at least 2am. It was a full moon and I wondered whether that had anything to do with it, like by some divine, mystical way the moon was playing with my head. I thought about Oli and the love we had, I imagined the life we would be having if he were still alive and well. I tried to imagine the life I now want for myself and what that wo
Mar 43 min read
Which way is up?
You'd be forgiven for being confused by my recent posts. One minute I'm upbeat and positive, the next in the bowels of despair. Believe me, I don't mean to confuse you and I'm trying to be as honest and transparent about my journey through this as I can. All I can tell you is that I'm just as much confused as you are. I cannot tell you from one day to the next how I'm going to be coping. This week just gone has been one of the hardest I've ever had to endure. I had no
Feb 243 min read
I am lost
It's 8.12am on Tuesday morning and I have a stinking cold. I woke up feeling more lost and alone than I ever have. My life stretches out before me, empty, cold and silent and I cannot see a way out. I miss Oli with every ounce of my being and really don't think I can do this without him. I have never known desperation like it. I literally have no idea what to do with myself. I don't know how to move forward and know, with such miserable clarity that I can't go ba
Feb 172 min read
