Birthday Eve!
It's the eve of my birthday and I have been known to be dramatic so give me a bit of room here. When Facebook tells me that I have 'memories to look back on today' it fills me with a dread now. It's the sort of dread that is compulsive.. it draws me towards it knowing that there's heartbreak on the other side.. especially when it says 'you have memories with Oliver Madge to look back on today'.... Our first weekend of moving our stuff to Portscatho (2024); Holidays in th
3 days ago3 min read
Focus!!
The six month mark of the passing of my husband was a biggy for me. I realise now that I'd been thinking about it for months.. ever since I read somewhere that it is common for the six month mark to be the worst in terms of feeling the loss and grief. It became a bit of a monster in my head and as such delivered in terms of being an emotional day. I have to say, I think I peaked early in terms of grief. I think I hit rock bottom around 4 and a half months in... that's
Apr 173 min read
A letter to my love.
My Gorgeous Boy, Six months.. it's been six months since you left me entirely. I say entirely as we both know, I lost you way before then. There's a song with the lyrics; I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met. I listen to it now and again, not too often as it makes me cry.. but the lyrics fit us perfectly. I thought I'd writ
Apr 145 min read
Breathing
It’s funny how life continues to throw you curve balls, even when you think it’s already dealt its most deadly blow. But it does. I haven’t written much on the blog over the last few weeks and that’s mainly because I’ve been feeling…. well…. OK. And that in itself feels really fucking weird. I still miss Oli with every ounce of my being but 7 times out of 10 it doesn’t bring me to tears or crush me so I am a crumpled heap on the floor, instead it just makes me ache a
Mar 243 min read
Hold on to your hats..
Hold onto your hats, people.... this may just be a blog post that is NOT about grief! I know! Progress, eh? This post is about the wonder that is rowing, team work and stepping outside your comfort zone! On Saturday, 14th March, five months to the day that Oli died, I, along with my fantastic crew, took part in the Three Rivers Race. This is no ordinary race... this is 6 miles of excruciating pain.. a race of endurance.. a race that takes in not one, but three river
Mar 245 min read
Coping
It's a sunny Wednesday and the electrician has just showed me the massive hole that has been cracked open in the top of my fridge - caused because he opened a window in the kitchen causing the door to slam and a massive pewter head of a pig to come crushing down off the wall above and into said fridge. Not necessarily his fault, I suppose, but it is the straw that broke the camels back. I told him it was fine and promptly closed myself in the sitting room and sobbed... co
Mar 123 min read
Thin Veneer
Life, as it does, has carried on regardless of my feelings. The world continues to turn; the sun sinking down and the moon rising. And here I sit. In my silence, quietly mourning the loss of my love and my life. Everyday things still have to happen. I get up, shower, get dressed, feed the dog, make a cup of tea, clean, shop, take the dog for a walk... life just continues and I cope. I smile when I'm supposed to; make small talk; do enough to get by when all the whi
Mar 62 min read
