Reasons to be cheerful... 1, 2, 3.

I'm writing this as a bit of an experiment. I had a bad day yesterday. My parents left to go home mid morning and instead of bustling around the house sorting things out, doing a bit of decorating or taking the dog for a walk, I drew the curtains at 10.45am, got a blanket and lay on the sofa ALL DAY watching shite Rom Coms. I ate two bags of sweets; a chicken mayo sandwich and some cold roast potatoes; drank 4 mugs of tea and cried five times.. at approximately 3.30 my

17 hours ago4 min read

Exhausted

I'm struggling. I feel like I'm desperately trying to keep my head above water and yet my body is so tired that I keep bobbing under. I feel drained and shattered into a thousand pieces. I haven't admitted this to myself for so long. I've kept telling myself that I'm doing great and that I'm one of life's survivors... and I am... one of life's survivors that is.. but I am not doing great. My survival technique is to fake it until I make it. I have ever been thus

5 days ago4 min read

Twenty two

I stupidly thought, after the success of Oli's birthday, that our wedding anniversary wouldn't be that bad. I thought, naively, that I would sail through it and be happy for the 21 years and nine months of marital bliss (almost all of the time) that we shared, but no. Grief, as I am finding out, is not the consistent entity that I thought it would be. It is fickle and comes and goes as it pleases. It hides around corners, waiting to ambush you just when you least exp

Jan 243 min read

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Reasons to be cheerful... 1, 2, 3.

I'm writing this as a bit of an experiment. I had a bad day yesterday. My parents left to go home mid morning and instead of bustling around the house sorting things out, doing a bit of decorating or taking the dog for a walk, I drew the curtains at 10.45am, got a blanket and lay on the sofa ALL DAY watching shite Rom Coms. I ate two bags of sweets; a chicken mayo sandwich and some cold roast potatoes; drank 4 mugs of tea and cried five times.. at approximately 3.30 my

17 hours ago4 min read

Exhausted

I'm struggling. I feel like I'm desperately trying to keep my head above water and yet my body is so tired that I keep bobbing under. I feel drained and shattered into a thousand pieces. I haven't admitted this to myself for so long. I've kept telling myself that I'm doing great and that I'm one of life's survivors... and I am... one of life's survivors that is.. but I am not doing great. My survival technique is to fake it until I make it. I have ever been thus

5 days ago4 min read

Twenty two

I stupidly thought, after the success of Oli's birthday, that our wedding anniversary wouldn't be that bad. I thought, naively, that I would sail through it and be happy for the 21 years and nine months of marital bliss (almost all of the time) that we shared, but no. Grief, as I am finding out, is not the consistent entity that I thought it would be. It is fickle and comes and goes as it pleases. It hides around corners, waiting to ambush you just when you least exp

Jan 243 min read

January.... still.

I'm on the eve of another first. Tomorrow, 24th January, will be Oli and my wedding anniversary. 22 years... if you can count the last three months. And I'm counting them. I have felt no less of being Oli's wife these last few months than in the 21 years and 9 months before that, so I will be 'celebrating' the fact that I, at least, have been married for 22 years. I miss him. I think of him constantly. He is never out of my head - from the moment I wake up to when

Jan 233 min read

Finally!! Bloody dolphins!

It's been a good week, all in all. The day after Oli's birthday, two friends came to spend some time with me. These girls I have known for a very long time.. one since I was 5 (that's fifty years... although, catch me on a more devious day and I'll tell you it's 40 years) and the other since I was 15 or so. There is something very comforting about old friends such as these, especially ones that you spent your informative years with.. they've seen every side of you, expe

Jan 193 min read

Later that day...

So.. all in all, it's been a good day. I've been strong and positive.. but there is a bit of a rub. I love this blog and it makes me feel so much better once I've put the contents of my brain on this site but by doing so, I put my life and feelings online.. that makes it sound really dramatic and it is totally not so.. I put my life online to those who want to read it... and there's not that many of you, which lowers the exposure massively! There is a handful of people

Jan 144 min read

Happy Birthday!

On this day, 24 years ago, I arrived at Heathrow Terminal 3 leaving behind a life in South Africa. I phoned Oli from a pay phone in the Terminal and told him that I had landed safely and that our new life together could finally begin. On this day, 17 years ago, Oli and I left our first marital home in Goodworth Clatford, Hampshire in a hired Luton Van and our Audi Estate to start our new adventure in a derelict old mill on a 20 acre smallholding in Gloucestershire. Oli dr

Jan 142 min read

Go West!!!

ABOUT ME

Middle aged woman moving to the West Country

Hello. I'm Lara. 55 year old, very recently widowed woman with a little baggage but not much. Bloody love crisps and wine.... and sweets.. but equally love rowing and yoga which helps.

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