Which way is up?

You'd be forgiven for being confused by my recent posts. One minute I'm upbeat and positive, the next in the bowels of despair. Believe me, I don't mean to confuse you and I'm trying to be as honest and transparent about my journey through this as I can. All I can tell you is that I'm just as much confused as you are. I cannot tell you from one day to the next how I'm going to be coping. This week just gone has been one of the hardest I've ever had to endure. I had no

Feb 243 min read

I am lost

It's 8.12am on Tuesday morning and I have a stinking cold. I woke up feeling more lost and alone than I ever have. My life stretches out before me, empty, cold and silent and I cannot see a way out. I miss Oli with every ounce of my being and really don't think I can do this without him. I have never known desperation like it. I literally have no idea what to do with myself. I don't know how to move forward and know, with such miserable clarity that I can't go ba

Feb 172 min read

We Are Family

The following post was written on 13th September, 2024. Oli had been diagnosed for two months and had started Chemotherapy. His life expectancy without treatment was 4-6 months but with treatment could be up to 2 years. I was trying to come to terms with how our lives had changed and what this meant for Oli, but also for me. Growing up, I always wanted a big family. I was part of a pretty fab team of five, Mum, Dad and my two sisters, but I always dreamt that when I

Feb 162 min read

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Which way is up?

You'd be forgiven for being confused by my recent posts. One minute I'm upbeat and positive, the next in the bowels of despair. Believe me, I don't mean to confuse you and I'm trying to be as honest and transparent about my journey through this as I can. All I can tell you is that I'm just as much confused as you are. I cannot tell you from one day to the next how I'm going to be coping. This week just gone has been one of the hardest I've ever had to endure. I had no

Feb 243 min read

I am lost

It's 8.12am on Tuesday morning and I have a stinking cold. I woke up feeling more lost and alone than I ever have. My life stretches out before me, empty, cold and silent and I cannot see a way out. I miss Oli with every ounce of my being and really don't think I can do this without him. I have never known desperation like it. I literally have no idea what to do with myself. I don't know how to move forward and know, with such miserable clarity that I can't go ba

Feb 172 min read

We Are Family

The following post was written on 13th September, 2024. Oli had been diagnosed for two months and had started Chemotherapy. His life expectancy without treatment was 4-6 months but with treatment could be up to 2 years. I was trying to come to terms with how our lives had changed and what this meant for Oli, but also for me. Growing up, I always wanted a big family. I was part of a pretty fab team of five, Mum, Dad and my two sisters, but I always dreamt that when I

Feb 162 min read

Monday Blues

It's Monday morning. 16th February - my niece's birthday and she has come to visit for the weekend with her boyfriend. It's been fun to have them here although I am feeling slightly jaded from the effort of keeping up with them on the drinking front. The empty bottles stacked by the fridge in the kitchen tell me that we had a bottle of Champagne, 2 bottles of red wine and half a bottle of Port last night and that was after a visit to the pub where Bloody Marys were consu

Feb 164 min read

Reasons to be cheerful... 1, 2, 3.

I'm writing this as a bit of an experiment. I had a bad day yesterday. My parents left to go home mid morning and instead of bustling around the house sorting things out, doing a bit of decorating or taking the dog for a walk, I drew the curtains at 10.45am, got a blanket and lay on the sofa ALL DAY watching shite Rom Coms. I ate two bags of sweets; a chicken mayo sandwich and some cold roast potatoes; drank 4 mugs of tea and cried five times.. at approximately 3.30 my

Feb 104 min read

Exhausted

I'm struggling. I feel like I'm desperately trying to keep my head above water and yet my body is so tired that I keep bobbing under. I feel drained and shattered into a thousand pieces. I haven't admitted this to myself for so long. I've kept telling myself that I'm doing great and that I'm one of life's survivors... and I am... one of life's survivors that is.. but I am not doing great. My survival technique is to fake it until I make it. I have ever been thus

Feb 64 min read

Twenty two

I stupidly thought, after the success of Oli's birthday, that our wedding anniversary wouldn't be that bad. I thought, naively, that I would sail through it and be happy for the 21 years and nine months of marital bliss (almost all of the time) that we shared, but no. Grief, as I am finding out, is not the consistent entity that I thought it would be. It is fickle and comes and goes as it pleases. It hides around corners, waiting to ambush you just when you least exp

Jan 243 min read

Go West!!!

ABOUT ME

Middle aged woman moving to the West Country

Hello. I'm Lara. 55 year old, very recently widowed woman with a little baggage but not much. Bloody love crisps and wine.... and sweets.. but equally love rowing and yoga which helps.

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